I have quiet a few of them. Most of them are small quirks or things I do while fidgeting. Some of them are fairly large things, like the desire to light up and smoke when extremely stressed out. My worst habit is the habit to push my emotions down and keep them bottled up until they finally spill out in very unhealthy ways.
For those of you that don't know, my Nana passed away Sunday May 22nd. She had been in and out of the hospital a lot over the past couple of years, having pneumonia so many times that it no longer came as a shock when I'd get a phone call from dad telling me she was sick again. My Nana was like most Englishwomen her age; feisty, strong and stable. She made pneumonia her bitch every time she had it. So when we got the call saying her kidneys had shut down (flash back to my late Uncle Ian's downward spiral into bad health) I figured she'd still have many more years to come. Why not? This is the woman who was the only survivor of a bomb that killed off most of her family in the war. She quickly degraded into a state of constant pain and delirium that it was obvious I was wrong. She wasn't going to last long at all.
That was when the rush of emotions started. I didn't really feel them much, as I'm so used to pushing "bad" emotions down that it's almost second nature. It wasn't until I got the phone call from my cousin Stacey that Nana had passed that I sat there, in my friends living room surrounded by people I was not comfortable showing "weak female emotions" to, that I felt a surge of emotion so harsh that I couldn't think. I could only manage to calmly say "my Nana just died". That was it. Calmly announced to a couple of guys I doubt even really cared. "Oh," was all I remember hearing in response.
The next couple hours, even days, went by with self control. I let out a surge of emotion when saying goodbye to my Nana, but other than that I managed to keep myself calm and in control. It wasn't until I went to visit a friend that I lost control. I had gone to comfort her over her recent break up and we ended up drinking. A lot. She was on medication that kept her from drinking a lot, but "in the spirit of friendship" I took 3 for every 1 she took. We were using the large "double shot" shot glasses. In the end, I ended up vomiting for over 2 hours, until nothing but blood was coming up.
This made me realize that I really don't deal with my emotions in a healthy way at all.
For those of you that don't know, my Nana passed away Sunday May 22nd. She had been in and out of the hospital a lot over the past couple of years, having pneumonia so many times that it no longer came as a shock when I'd get a phone call from dad telling me she was sick again. My Nana was like most Englishwomen her age; feisty, strong and stable. She made pneumonia her bitch every time she had it. So when we got the call saying her kidneys had shut down (flash back to my late Uncle Ian's downward spiral into bad health) I figured she'd still have many more years to come. Why not? This is the woman who was the only survivor of a bomb that killed off most of her family in the war. She quickly degraded into a state of constant pain and delirium that it was obvious I was wrong. She wasn't going to last long at all.
That was when the rush of emotions started. I didn't really feel them much, as I'm so used to pushing "bad" emotions down that it's almost second nature. It wasn't until I got the phone call from my cousin Stacey that Nana had passed that I sat there, in my friends living room surrounded by people I was not comfortable showing "weak female emotions" to, that I felt a surge of emotion so harsh that I couldn't think. I could only manage to calmly say "my Nana just died". That was it. Calmly announced to a couple of guys I doubt even really cared. "Oh," was all I remember hearing in response.
The next couple hours, even days, went by with self control. I let out a surge of emotion when saying goodbye to my Nana, but other than that I managed to keep myself calm and in control. It wasn't until I went to visit a friend that I lost control. I had gone to comfort her over her recent break up and we ended up drinking. A lot. She was on medication that kept her from drinking a lot, but "in the spirit of friendship" I took 3 for every 1 she took. We were using the large "double shot" shot glasses. In the end, I ended up vomiting for over 2 hours, until nothing but blood was coming up.
This made me realize that I really don't deal with my emotions in a healthy way at all.
No comments:
Post a Comment