Getting Something Off My Chest

A few moments ago I posted this as a note on facebook for all my friends there to see. I'm doing the same here in hopes of being able to feel better about myself once this secret is out.

My secret shame is that I totally have a beard.

I'll let that soak in.

I have hidden this fact from 99% of you by shaving daily or hiding away until it's grown long enough to wax it off myself. If you look close enough we all have peach fuzz but at a young age I was mocked about mine and the following years had me shaving my peach fuzz until it finally started growing in darker and thicker, only making things worse. Now, because some children in elementary school were assholes, if given enough time I can grow a very visible chin strap beard. I took their bullying and teasing to heart so hard that for over a decade I have had to almost daily shave my face to keep my shame in check. I have refused to let lovers, friends, or boyfriends touch my face because I fear they will feel the stubble of my beard growing back.

I'm tired of hiding and feeling ashamed of myself. Of feeling ugly and man-ish because of something so meaningless. This is not one of those "pass this on" annoying things. This is me, Shalene Sidra Walters, announcing a secret I have tried to hold in for over a decade to all of you because I don't want to hide anymore.

Of the few people who knew before some have asked me why I don't get electrolysis. The twisted irony of my situation is that I also suffer from a skin condition known as vitiligo. This is something I can't hide and those of you who haven't noticed yet simply haven't looked close enough or maybe just don't pay as close attention to me as others. They're my "white spots". The patches of skin where I have absolutely no pigment. I lucked out at puberty and it didn't fly off the handle and cover me completely making me look albino, but it is all over my body. The only place I do not have any white spots is on my neck or face, the first places someone notices. Why am I bringing this up? Well no one I have talked to about vitiligo and electrolysis can guarantee me that the process wouldn't scar my skin enough to stimulate my vitiligo to multiply like crazy all over my face.

So, for over a decade, I have had to decide between a daily ritual of shaving my face or risking to spend the rest of my life with people staring at me and asking "what's wrong with your skin?"

Now you know something about me. Something honest and something I've kept hidden. I trust most of you will treat me no differently.